tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8262240614560013924.post8852344884815635248..comments2023-09-02T07:32:27.591-07:00Comments on Writer's Washroom Annex: Heroes... Chapter Six - "Tzal"Nickolashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187845898733828684noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8262240614560013924.post-73439230335475117552017-02-26T02:41:59.982-08:002017-02-26T02:41:59.982-08:00شركة تخزين اثاث
شركة تخزين الاثاث
شركة تخزين اثاث...<a href="https://wp.me/p5U0zn-2D" rel="nofollow">شركة تخزين اثاث </a><br /><a href="https://wp.me/p5U0zn-2D" rel="nofollow">شركة تخزين الاثاث</a><br /><a href="https://wp.me/p5U0zn-2D" rel="nofollow">شركة تخزين اثاث بالرياض</a><br /><a href="https://wp.me/p5U0zn-2D" rel="nofollow">شركة تخزين الاثاث بالرياض</a><br /><a href="https://wp.me/p5U0zn-2D" rel="nofollow">مستودعات تخزين الاثاث بالرياض</a><br /><a href="https://wp.me/p5U0zn-2D" rel="nofollow">افضل شركة تخزين اثاث بالرياض</a>almostakblhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15325809002265918919noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8262240614560013924.post-59962936246426468132009-06-17T17:43:00.056-07:002009-06-17T17:43:00.056-07:00I am neither joyless nor dull! Oh you said real li...I am neither joyless nor dull! Oh you said real life. I enjoyed it. I do agree with Natalya on several points; those of grammar and use of a thesaurus. The POV issue, well I am used to your writing so I'm not distracted at all by it. And I see the same in other authors as well. Keep em coming.Jamesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8262240614560013924.post-88099971501351688752009-06-14T15:26:15.436-07:002009-06-14T15:26:15.436-07:00Bryan,
You couldn't be a priest. Priest in r...Bryan,<br /><br />You couldn't be a priest. Priest in real life are joyless and dull. You couldn't do that if you tried.<br /><br />Natalya,<br /><br />Thanks as usual. I'll take everything to heart. The biggest point/question you've mentioned is the shifting POV during the magic.<br /><br />Yes, there will be chapters and sections where the POV shifts frequently and often. In fact, it's one of the things I do (my trademark). When using magic, it's much more interesting for the reader to FEEL what the others feel than to say, "their senses felt pure and clean." The only way to show that it spread out is to show that Gitto, Ruben, and the beggars also felt it - not just Tzal.<br /><br />But don't worry, the shifting POV will rise its ugly head soon enough.<br /><br />Oh...and since BOTH of you have asked... you'll get a quick peak at some bad guys next time out.<br /><br />And then in Chapter 8, the Heroes come together in TRULY EPIC FASHION!!!!<br /><br />:-)Nickolashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08187845898733828684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8262240614560013924.post-19401223124801581982009-06-13T19:30:43.330-07:002009-06-13T19:30:43.330-07:00I like the new site! Prefer a smaller font, so it ...I like the new site! Prefer a smaller font, so it works for me...<br /><br />The first paragraph, the second and third lines, I find it more interesting to say the house is a decade past the point of needing paint than just that it's peeling or something, but I would rephrase those two sentences a little to make them sound a bit smoother. <br /><br />I think it sounds a bit weird that he says "this other man Gitto," since that gives the impression that Gitto is in the scene, when he hasn't acutally entered yet.<br /><br />Another bit of rephrasing needed when he wonders about the wife's illness. Maybe would you want to say "wondering not"...that might help it a little. Also I think at the end perhaps instead of "may have picked up," maybe either swap out the "may" for "could have" or "might have," or change the "picked up" to something a little stronger? You pick up the groceries, the mail, or a cold, not the bubonic plauge or a touch of cholera...<br /><br />Like the "face like an old foot." And the dialogue here is snappy and just enough to keep the story going without being cumbersome. <br /><br />I think it should read: "Gitto had an aroma of his own, (and) not a pleasant one."<br /><br />Comma between "introduced Tzal to Gitto (,) and said that he was a priest." (I think?)<br /><br />Um, I'm a bit confused about the "friend or not" bit in Ruben having common sense. <br /><br />When you say "the room was small and cramped" and then call the table "small" right after-could you find a synonym perhaps? Also "covered high with blankets" sort of doesn't make sense. I like that it is more creative than just "Piled high," but I think you should push it a bit farther. Maybe a metaphor or something, or a more visual description of the picture, is for example only a ____face visible amongst a pile of filthy blankets and rags?<br /><br />"She shivered and sweated both" should be changed. I realize your doing a voice but it sounds a bit awkward. I'd say she both...<br /><br />Oh, and previous to this I would say that Tzal "noted" rather than "noticed" the tiny side table with the pitcher of water, it seems more matter-of-fact, as a healer he is assessing the situation and the surroundings. Also I would introduce the pitcher before the table since it is a more important object. The pitcher and washbowl should rest on the table, so that they can be the focal point of the sentance.<br /><br />Later when he is doing the healing and his fingers cool, there should be a comma between "felt icy (,) then warmed suddenly."<br /><br />In the paragraph where Tzal does the magic spell, the point-of-view becomes widened considerably. Up til here, it's been a third-person limited to Tzal, now we are going into the heads and senses of both the bystanders and anyone who could be around. The pov is turning more from Tzal to an anonymous narrator, that hasn't really been present earlier in the chapter. I don't know if I necessarily think that you should change this, I'm just bringing it up because it is a marked change. I think this is something to consider in relation to the rest of the work...is the pov going to be specific to the characters in their chapters or sections, or will it be more omnicient, shifting around between them, and to outsiders? Or do you want to keep it close for the most part, but have the option to move outward in certain situations, for example when magic is happening? pov is really difficult to work out, I think I'd say for right now that it could be okay to make the break from Tzal as long as there is consistency in the overall novel. If this is the only point that this happens it may eventually have to be revised...<br /><br />That's it for now...and unless you manage to get out a chapter in the next week, probably for a little while:( I think it's really coming along though, so just get those main characters interacting or converging in some way and let the story continue to develop. you have found a good sense of rhythm and flow by now...aside from the odd sentance here or there that I thought needed rephrasing, its reading pretty polished. you've got a good momentum going, so just keep doing what your doing:)Natalyanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8262240614560013924.post-65550955191298122862009-06-11T23:32:20.086-07:002009-06-11T23:32:20.086-07:00This really moves along at a nice clip without see...This really moves along at a nice clip without seeming rushed. I always liked Tzal, but then again I could have been a priest too. You did have a little slip in the first para. at the end you have "now" instead of "how".Bryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06031672023353005976noreply@blogger.com